incredible.

Before I attended Biola, Journal, I was a christian, and I knew who God was, but I had not come to the full respect and gratefulness that I find myself in now. It wasn't about living for Him, it was about surrendering my life and being apathetic towards God's plan for my life, and in result, I was apathetic to holding close to the bond I had made with Him. But then I came to Biola, and maybe it's not just the school being an amazing place, or the people who have driven me to pursue Him further, but the little things that He does for me everyday that prove to me that I am so unworthy of a love like this.
Tonight, I came to my room to see my fish belly up, gasping in final breaths. I didn't want my fish to die, he is like the friend who is always there and then as I was praying over his tank (yes, God cares about Figgero) I realized that God is my only constant, and that everything at this school, this school itself could be gone in a moment, everything I know could be gone in a moment, except for one thing and that is God. And i do not deserve it at all, and there is no way that I can repay Him, except for my love to Him and my love for others.
And so, after praying for the last month and a half about everything, and really feeling closer to God than ever before, I started to get the feeling that art was not where I was supposed to be anymore. That, yes, God wanted me to be a art major for a little while so that I could see that my "passion" was not really a passion at all. Art is a very introverted major, you are by yourself a lot and it seems like when you create art you are expressing yourself, and I am not trying to bring down Christian artists, or even any artist for that matter, but I am trying to say that the gifts God has so graciously given me not only include my artistic abilities, but my ability to connect, empathize, and just be with people. I love art, and I am still an artist, but I'm not an art major. It is introverted and I'm definitely an extrovert, and also, I'm not trying to show who I am through what I do, but who God is. Art gets me away from the world and even as I hard as I try not to, it gets me away from God. The art world seems to be so stuffed up and demanding of excellence or bust, and if I'm trying to win in the world, I come in last in the Lord's eyes...Last time I checked, that is not what I want.
And what am I going to do then, you ask Journal? Well, I am going to be an ICS (Intercultural Studies) major and get a minor in art, this is so I can refine my skills, but also not let my first semester go to waste, and God so perfectly planned it all. Starting with ICS next semester, I will not only be taking less credits and having more time to really put my all into everything I need to do, but also, I will have time for the art minor because with both, I am taking less credits than I would if I did the full art major. I am doing ICS because it is the way that I can at least glorify the Lord since I am in no way capable of repaying my debt to Him. By reciprocating the love that He gave to me without hesitation, I can't imagine not living my life letting Him shine through me.
What did I learn at school today, Journal? That I am so unimportant in the grand scheme of God's great plan and the fact that I have grace is beyond indescribable and that I willingly will do all I can in my life to not live for myself, but live for Him. And that's totally not "nothing".

P.S. Either we have an amazing God, or Figgero is a great actor, because right now, he is swimming around like he didn't almost DIE! Crazy. Love.

Until next time Journal, live for the Lord your God.