i cannot depend on myself.

Dear Journal, today I realized that in my "being on top of things" and turning in my Torrey Paper extra early through the online submission, that I completely dismissed the fact that I needed a hard copy turned in as well. And Journal, the worst part was getting the email. I felt like I had failed Torrey, that as of now, I had made the BIGGEST fumble of my life so far, and the whole time I thought I was doing everything right. And in that Journal, I think God wanted me to learn something: That even when you think you've got it all under control and can do everything yourself, you can't. I had gotten into a "GO ME!" state of mind, and forgotten that the only way I even got this paper done, the only reason I was in Torrey, the only reason I was at BIOLA, was because of God. I had made my success about God, so this is a formal apology, not because I want people to see how trusting in God I am in my time of need, but to publicly reveal my humiliation and most of all my...forgetfulness. My forgetfulness of my paper and my forgetfulness of God's FAITHFULNESS and his grace and provisions. I'm for sure that God has a sense of humor, and I'll laugh a little about it, but He also is getting the message across.

Journal, if this DOES mean that I get kicked out of Torrey, I will be heart broken, and I will have lost $150 worth of books...(ok, sorry, that's pathetic, haha!), but I feel like that is God's justice and His will. And I'll get over it, and HE will get me back on my feet. Its not about me, and I forget that so often. I want so badly to be able to make my life about me, most humans do, but really, even more I want my life to be about giving glory to He who gave me a life that I can be so selfish with. And to get what you want, you have to work at it. Life is difficult. Life is about relationships. Relationships are difficult. Get over it. Then you can enjoy it.

Until next time Journal, I'm going to be praying my butt off that I can stay in Torrey and not have my mentor hate me. :/ And also I'm gonna try and laugh a little, because other than what God will permit me to do to fix it, all I can do is what I love second best and that is laugh.