not everyone is going to like me. oh. my. gosh.

Hello Journal, so I've realized that of late I have added a lot of depression ensuing or possibly...condemning blog posts that just show that I'm cynical, and I'm stupid. I mean really, I don't know anything. And all these blog posts could be are a way of me expressing how smart I think I am and loading a bunch of possible crap onto a wed page. Great. But then, I think about the fact that possibly nobody REALLY knows anything. And then I think, then what is the point of anything?! And then I remember that there is a god. And, so I will continue writing out of my butt, because since I have nothing else to do, I might as well talk about something I may or may not have any experience and/or knowledge of, but an opinion acting as if I do.

So, Journal, after that little side track, I want to talk about the fact that as hard as I try, not everybody is going to like me. I can love people as much as I want and I can put all the effort I possibly can into one person just thinking that I would be a worthwhile friend, and they will not budge. We are a fallen world I suppose, but it really hit me like a school bus when this epiphany came. I mean, of course not EVERYONE is going to like me. Now, certain people it's more obvious why they wouldn't like me....per say, terrorists...we have a few contrasting beliefs that would most likely put a damper on our friendship, but then there are those who I just cannot figure out.

And it's usually these people that I will try the hardest to get to know, because all I want is an explanation for myself. Ha! When I was younger (this year) I used believe that I had file cabinets in my head that I stored files on everyone I knew, and some people had one little file, and some people had a whole drawer. Now, there were people that it didn't matter how much I knew about them and sometimes I knew way too much...like Orlando Bloom...I was young. And then there were people that I would do ridiculous things like, friend them on FaceBook and ask them where I knew them from just to start a potential "I know you" thing. It wasn't because I WANTED to look like I was stalking them or even worse LIKED them, it was just because I like to know people and I want people to want to know me. Am I conceited? We are a fallen world.

Journal, possibly my tweeny antics of getting to know people...like pretty much technologically (virtually?) bumping into them to make them aware of my existence so that we would be acquaintances is a little over board, but it's worked before and now I've realized that if it doesn't work every time, it doesn't just mean that I'm still freakish, but it also demonstrates that not everyone will be my friend. And Journal, I'm okay with that.

Until next time Journal, be friendly...to everyone! :) Wanna be friends?

guess what?! i actually care about what i look like.

Dear Journal, it is kinda interesting when you hear all the people who try and tell you that God doesn't care what you look like on the outside and therefor you really don't/shouldn't exert that much energy trying to look good. Now I know there are people who cross the line, getting boob jobs or new faces or bla bla bla, but then there are also those who are on the negative scale who almost try to look bad to make it seem like they really don't care! But Journal, I like to look at it this way. God gives us our body as...a rental. We use it in life when we need it, but really it belongs to Him. So, let's say you have a rental car, and you're on your trip, and you just decide that you'll not wash it and write "wash me" on the back window, leave all your trash inside of it and destroy the seats, and you even crash it a few times, then bring it back to the dealership. And, SUPRISE! They are po'd to the max. Well, I'm pretty sure God would be pissed if we trashed our rental and brought it back to Him a mess.
Journal, I always hear girls say that they don't want to wear makeup because one day when they are married, their husband will wake up to someone he's never seen before. Well, ladies...maybe if you didn't plaster on mascara and eyeliner and not look like freaking wannabe barbie everyday, and just made it natural and enhanced what you do have, not add on what you don't, you wouldn't have to worry as much about it and at the same time you can be beautiful. I'm pretty sure it's impossible for God to make someone ugly. Like really ugly. But then why do I see people that make me want to rip my eyes out? Because they either 1) let themselves go, or 2) they try so hard to be unnaturally beautiful, it starts catching up with them and pretty much guarantees that the public eye will be scarred by their decision to leave the house that day. I mean really, sometimes I feel offended by someone from just looking at them.
I don't have much more to say on this topic, I really just wanted to clarify that it is OK to want to look good and actually take a little effort in the morning to get ready instead of rolling out of bed five minutes after class starts and...gracing...everyone with your presence. Even though you shouldn't worry too much what others think, just do it for yourself, and more importantly God. It will be appreciated by Him, by your boyfriend/anyone else, and me. Haha!
Until next time Journal, stay beautiful.

i'm feeling like God has something to say.

I'm not sure what it is Journal, but I'll guess I'll just write. So, today I woke up and looked in the mirror and in my head said, "DANG! I look goooood tooooday! Yeah!" Bahaha and then I thought about how many people say that out loud and personally I've done this and not thought that they were the most attractive people, and said," Awww you look pretty everyday!" but really been thinking, "Bless her heart poor thing." And so, I was wondering how many people thought that of me, but then did an OH SO CLICHE internal statement of "Who cares, because no matter what I'm beautiful in God's eyes." And really a lot of the time when people say that it's because really they can't get over the fact that they either think they are above it all, or they really like looking at themselves in the mirror that day and can't possibly imagine someone not wanting THAT. I mean really, LOOK AT ME! Daaaang girl. So, my story continues, I get into the car and run my fingers through my hair because I'm just THAT cool today (my self-esteem at an all-day high) and then....my fingers get stuck. They get stuck in the rat's nest that must have crept it's way into my lion's main during the night and being in a rush this morning I skipped the hair brushing part of my routine. After trying to manually pry the thing apart, I got it...and the back of my head also looked like I got into a fight with a bear with hair tangling CLAWS!
I put in a lot of effort to try to make myself look a little better, and not only did it look bad in the first place and I made it worse, but I saw it getting worse but I kept going at it because I thought maybe if I just did a little more damage in the end it would all end up ok. My hair would look great like the rest of me. And it didn't. And it hurt because any girl will tell you that when you have to handle one of those suckers, it requires tug-of-war skills and a lot of patience. And when you have neither, you tend to rely on the abilities you DO have. And when you take it into your hands, you end up messing things up.
So, if you're tagging along with the moral of my little tale, I guess at this point, you're wondering (just like me) where the analogy fits in with the fact that no matter what you did, even if you were patient and waited to even touch it until you got home. Well...Oh! God speaking...Well, nobody is perfect. Sometimes God is going to humble you, and that doesn't mean He doesn't love you or isn't there, but he's showing you that He is more important than you're problems, and if you lose sight of that and forget about that (let alone trusting that he'll work things out) then, you're heart is in the wrong place, and you're letting your head mess with YOU a little too much.
Journal, this is all I have for today, but until next time, forget about the hairy mess, and remember that GOD has it in control. When you're in a rush, you forget about the important things...
I guess God DID have something to say!

the ugly truth.

I watched that movie tonight. Offensive. Funny and I personally have a weakness for Gerald Butler, I mean LOOK at him. And then I remembered that it was so not real. I mean, wow, if that was what guys really were like all the time, then there wouldn't be anything real. The ugly truth is that you cannot have love just based on looks and how you can manipulate someone into liking you by playing with their...sinful nature. I mean, let's say you (a "nice" girl) meet a really cool guy, and this is when you're acting like yourself (if you even know what that is) and you decide you like him back. Then you go prancing around in almost nothing and then playing with some guys head and then bla bla bla you get his attention because DUH any guy is going to fall for that and then you get to the part where you can't hold up your pretense anymore/you think he likes you and then he says the OH SO CLICHE "Slow down, you know, you've changed...I liked the old you...." And then boo hooo hooooooo and then you go back to normal in your pity partiness and then the magic fairy sends Mr. Wonderful back to you and ta DA! You're in love again. And happily ever after. Show the credits.
Really? First off if that's what you want in a relationship, then I'd join a convent. Because secondly, since that kind of thing NEVER happens, nope never, you'll most likely end up with one of the two next options. 1) You'll change for some guy you like, and then eventually wind up pregnant and he'll leave you because he isn't THAT kind of guy. 2) You'll change and nothing will happen and you're self-esteem will plummet and then you become a sad desperate "I've got a cloud over my head" girl that even though you think you have an awful life, you're just embarrassing yourself, and no one is going to tell you because you either don't have those kind of friends, or you did and they tried to tell you and you reacted in a way in which that friendship was (as like I say) TERMINATED.
Here is my tip for all girls: Don't go around feeling outspokenly sorry for yourself because you don't have a boyfriend. It's so annoying. If the only way you are going to find self worth is if a guy likes you/wants to bang you even, then you are living for the wrong thing. Before you can even start to like guys you have to LOVE God. Yep, and that's the only cliche I'll say I promise. Don't say I DO love God, I just feel like no one is ever going to like THIS. First, if you love God, you'll trust Him to not only find you a guy that will love for who you are with no makeup on and when you feel fat and ugly and think you're the most gorgeous women he ever wants to be with....BUT also, you will find your own self worth in the fact that God created you and to say that you are not good enough is not only insulting to your own self-esteem, but to Him. Gosh, this blog is getting long.... WRITE A BOOK DEVON.
Ok, to abruptly end my advice session that I myself need to take...God knows his plan for you. Don't think that because you're a respectable girl who hasn't given herself away/ or a girl who has and feels like she's worth nothing that God doesn't have someone perfect out there for you. And PLEASE don't say the whole "I'm not meant to get married....I'm meant to stay alone."PLEASE! That is another ridiculous form of self-pity because if you want to marry someone honestly, that means that you're meant to be with someone. I won't argue that everyone is meant to get married, because some people honestly just don't want to get married, and that's between them and God, but if you truly do want to be with someone, God WILL figure it out for you. The ugly truth is that you have to let Him.

Well, Journal, this is the first time I've addressed you in this post. Until next time...Fall in love with Who you're supposed to love. It'll work out.

incredible.

Before I attended Biola, Journal, I was a christian, and I knew who God was, but I had not come to the full respect and gratefulness that I find myself in now. It wasn't about living for Him, it was about surrendering my life and being apathetic towards God's plan for my life, and in result, I was apathetic to holding close to the bond I had made with Him. But then I came to Biola, and maybe it's not just the school being an amazing place, or the people who have driven me to pursue Him further, but the little things that He does for me everyday that prove to me that I am so unworthy of a love like this.
Tonight, I came to my room to see my fish belly up, gasping in final breaths. I didn't want my fish to die, he is like the friend who is always there and then as I was praying over his tank (yes, God cares about Figgero) I realized that God is my only constant, and that everything at this school, this school itself could be gone in a moment, everything I know could be gone in a moment, except for one thing and that is God. And i do not deserve it at all, and there is no way that I can repay Him, except for my love to Him and my love for others.
And so, after praying for the last month and a half about everything, and really feeling closer to God than ever before, I started to get the feeling that art was not where I was supposed to be anymore. That, yes, God wanted me to be a art major for a little while so that I could see that my "passion" was not really a passion at all. Art is a very introverted major, you are by yourself a lot and it seems like when you create art you are expressing yourself, and I am not trying to bring down Christian artists, or even any artist for that matter, but I am trying to say that the gifts God has so graciously given me not only include my artistic abilities, but my ability to connect, empathize, and just be with people. I love art, and I am still an artist, but I'm not an art major. It is introverted and I'm definitely an extrovert, and also, I'm not trying to show who I am through what I do, but who God is. Art gets me away from the world and even as I hard as I try not to, it gets me away from God. The art world seems to be so stuffed up and demanding of excellence or bust, and if I'm trying to win in the world, I come in last in the Lord's eyes...Last time I checked, that is not what I want.
And what am I going to do then, you ask Journal? Well, I am going to be an ICS (Intercultural Studies) major and get a minor in art, this is so I can refine my skills, but also not let my first semester go to waste, and God so perfectly planned it all. Starting with ICS next semester, I will not only be taking less credits and having more time to really put my all into everything I need to do, but also, I will have time for the art minor because with both, I am taking less credits than I would if I did the full art major. I am doing ICS because it is the way that I can at least glorify the Lord since I am in no way capable of repaying my debt to Him. By reciprocating the love that He gave to me without hesitation, I can't imagine not living my life letting Him shine through me.
What did I learn at school today, Journal? That I am so unimportant in the grand scheme of God's great plan and the fact that I have grace is beyond indescribable and that I willingly will do all I can in my life to not live for myself, but live for Him. And that's totally not "nothing".

P.S. Either we have an amazing God, or Figgero is a great actor, because right now, he is swimming around like he didn't almost DIE! Crazy. Love.

Until next time Journal, live for the Lord your God.

i cannot depend on myself.

Dear Journal, today I realized that in my "being on top of things" and turning in my Torrey Paper extra early through the online submission, that I completely dismissed the fact that I needed a hard copy turned in as well. And Journal, the worst part was getting the email. I felt like I had failed Torrey, that as of now, I had made the BIGGEST fumble of my life so far, and the whole time I thought I was doing everything right. And in that Journal, I think God wanted me to learn something: That even when you think you've got it all under control and can do everything yourself, you can't. I had gotten into a "GO ME!" state of mind, and forgotten that the only way I even got this paper done, the only reason I was in Torrey, the only reason I was at BIOLA, was because of God. I had made my success about God, so this is a formal apology, not because I want people to see how trusting in God I am in my time of need, but to publicly reveal my humiliation and most of all my...forgetfulness. My forgetfulness of my paper and my forgetfulness of God's FAITHFULNESS and his grace and provisions. I'm for sure that God has a sense of humor, and I'll laugh a little about it, but He also is getting the message across.

Journal, if this DOES mean that I get kicked out of Torrey, I will be heart broken, and I will have lost $150 worth of books...(ok, sorry, that's pathetic, haha!), but I feel like that is God's justice and His will. And I'll get over it, and HE will get me back on my feet. Its not about me, and I forget that so often. I want so badly to be able to make my life about me, most humans do, but really, even more I want my life to be about giving glory to He who gave me a life that I can be so selfish with. And to get what you want, you have to work at it. Life is difficult. Life is about relationships. Relationships are difficult. Get over it. Then you can enjoy it.

Until next time Journal, I'm going to be praying my butt off that I can stay in Torrey and not have my mentor hate me. :/ And also I'm gonna try and laugh a little, because other than what God will permit me to do to fix it, all I can do is what I love second best and that is laugh.